Putting Up Walls

One of the chapters we read for small group this week is about plans and whether it is easy or difficult to stick to plans or agendas.   My first gut reaction is, "I love plans!"  I am a task oriented person who thrives on plans.    Give me a goal or an objective, I will create a plan to accomplish that.

Done.

Easy.

What's next? 

But wait.  

There is more to that question isn't there?  What happens when the goal or the objective is not something I am all that excited about fixing?  Oh, that goal. 

Well..., then that is a different story all together.   If the goal is something I am not excited about fixing, then the cover up begins.  What if upon examining my life, I find God pointing to something I really don't want to work on?

But God, don't you see that I am working on this....

And over here, God, I am making huge progress on this issue right now! 

I am too busy working on these other things, (these things I want to be working on) that I can't work on this right now.   Maybe the next goal or agenda we can work on that together ok?
 
This morning I had a conversation with one of my children about being receptive to help, especially when they have asked for the help.  Putting up walls when need for improvement is pointed out, is not asking for help.  After a very pointed five minute conversation that ended with "something for you think about today," with backpack on, the trek to the playground begins the school day.

I don't like to send my children off to school that way, it doesn't make me feel good, and I know it probably doesn't make them feel good.  But unfortunately, those mornings happen.

I headed home with many thoughts spinning around in my head.

Did I say the right things?

Did it make sense?

Did I say too much?  Too little? 

In the middle of the processing, loud and clear, was the question, "What about you?" 

Why is it when I have been struggling with something for a long time and keep asking for advice, upon receiving the advice completely ignore it?   For seven years!!!   For seven years, I have struggled, prayed, asked for advice, never changing my responses. 

Last week in a conversation with my Dad, and me asking for his advice AGAIN, he looked me in the eye and told me enough was enough.   It is time to change.  It was direct, it was to the point, and the message was loud and clear. 

Because I was STILL balking at the idea of change, I asked my mom, "Do you think Dad is right."

Yep.

Hmmmmm. 


This morning, I realize I have been doing the same thing as my child whom I was talking to this morning.    I keep asking for advice, receiving help, and putting up walls. 

Why?  Because the change is hard.   It is unlearning habits that have formed and refocusing the energy in a positive way.

It doesn't matter that I am working on other things to improve my life that I want to work on, now I have to work on something that God has been telling me for years, through my parents and even through Mark, that I need to work on. 

As I type, I think back to the one walking to the playground with a little less bounce in the step, and I now understand.   It is not easy to change something that we don't want to change or that comes naturally, but we have been requested to change,

and the journey begins today.